You Might Look Pathetic
I started writing my book last February. I still can’t believe it’s almost been a year. I’ve mentioned it before, but I have a history of being the type of person who rapidly jumps through hobbies and passions. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musical theater star. Then an opera singer. Then a psychologist. Then a beauty blogger. Then a podcaster. Then a musician. Then a fitness influencer. Then a behavioral analyst (I do still have that certification). Then a c-suite executive. Then an actor, and on and on and on. That’s where I was when I started writing, and all I could think was, “Fucking hell, am I seriously going to switch passions again?” Immediately, my insecurity took over along with the nefarious question: What are people going to think?
I was 29 at the time, going on 30, and I knew that if I came out and said, “Hey guys, I’m a writer now,” I was going to raise a few eyebrows. There would be some people who would ask, either directly or through implication, “but just as a hobby, right?” The fear of that kind of judgement paralyzed me, so I started writing in secret. Not a soul knew about my book when I started it, not even my fiance. Honestly, I don’t regret holding my cards close to my chest. I figure it’s better to announce, “I’ve written a book!” instead of “I’m going to write a book!” Anyways, once I’d written my first 60 pages, I finally decided to tell my fiance and only him. I just needed to prove to myself that this was something I would stick with, before I went public. I needed to prove that even when it got hard, I would actually push through — at least, that’s what I told myself.
In hindsight, if I’m being very honest, the real reason I kept my writing a secret from everyone else is that I was afraid of looking pathetic. I mean come on. It sort of screams midlife crisis to take a hard pivot and decide you want to be a fantasy writer in your 30s — but I do want to be a fantasy writer. The moment I started my instagram account, my bluesky, my website – the moment I let people read the book itself, and started querying agents, I was admitting something to myself and the world. I was admitting that this matters to me. I was admitting that, despite the odds, I believe in my writing. I was admitting that I actually think I can do this. And the reality is, some people will have a problem with that. Some people will think it's pathetic.
I had to get over that fear, and the only way to get over the fear of looking pathetic is to accept that you might in fact, look pathetic. It’s part of the process, isn’t it? Fumbling through shitty first drafts. Submitting generic queries that were never going to make it out of the slush pile. Posting awkward bluesky threads and instagram reels. Making a scrappy website without an ounce of coding knowledge. It’s all a bit pathetic. I suppose I’ve finally accepted that, and I’m happy I did. Because accepting that you might look pathetic is the first step in giving yourself permission to set aside your insecurities – and actually try.
Taleah Graves